Enhancing Self Esteem
By: Lori-Ann Wesley Kim, M.A.
It's no secret that self-confidence is very important to
achieving success in any area of life. The thing about
self-confidence is that it is very sensitive to our personal
experience and is inherently unstable. In other words, your
self-confidence has a “snowball effect.” And it can snowball
in a positive direction or it can snowball in a negative
direction.
At the risk of over-simplifying a phenomenally complex
process, what’s happening in your brain is that these
snowball cycles “wear a groove” through the vast array of
neurons and synapses. So, neurologically you are physically
carving a path of least resistance through your brain. With
enough reinforcement, you develop a reflex to certain kinds
of stimuli. I call this negative programming. They are like
old tapes that keep replaying in one’s mind.
Unfortunately, virtually everyone has been programmed from
childhood with negatives that make us believe we can't do
things that we are innately capable of doing. A lot of it is
self-imposed programming. If we fail to do something
perfectly the first time we try it, it is only human nature
to begin to believe that we can't do it. We also receive
negative programming from others that can greatly impact our
self-confidence. We are told repeatedly as a child "You
can't do this” or "You'll never be able to do that.” If we
accept this programming – which, again, is only human nature
– our self-confidence is weakened accordingly.
Take a moment now to think back on your own life. Think
about the things that you’ve been led to believe you cannot
attain but that you know intellectually are entirely
possible. Fortunately, when some people are told they can't
do something, they refuse to accept that programming and go
on to prove that they indeed can. For example;
Beethoven's teacher said he was hopeless as a composer!
Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4, didn't read
until he was 7. His teacher called him mentally slow!
Sometimes we can remember where our negative self-talk comes
from (ideas/ beliefs); sometimes we cannot. Remembering
where these false negative ideas come from helps individuals
reprogram old mental tapes. Placing these adopted ideas back
where they came from, works on a subconscious level. I have
found this therapy technique to be extremely useful in these
situations. After all, we tend to accept that our thoughts
are true whether they are negative or positive..
There are dozens of techniques to help you build your
self-confidence and self-esteem.
These include:
* Positive Affirmations
* Guided Visualization
* Mental Imagery
* Goal-Oriented Meditation
* Breathing Techniques
* Psychotherapy
Here’s one simple technique you can start using today that
will help you initiate a virtuous cycle of improved
self-confidence.
Using Positive Affirmations to Build Self-Confidence
Positive Affirmations are carefully worded positive
statements
that you repeat to yourself and are designed to establish
new thinking patterns in your mind. Using affirmations is a
very effective way to build self-confidence. It seems simple
– and initially it can actually be a little uncomfortable –
but remember, what you’re trying to do is to wear a new
groove in your brain. You’re trying to create a new path of
least resistance and establish a positive reflex in your
mind. And the best way to create a new reflex is through
repetition of positive thoughts, images and feelings.
When you repeat an affirmation: feel it, believe it, and
know it! Put some positive emotion into it. Emotion-backed
programming is the most powerful and long lasting. Allow
yourself to experience the feelings of joy, satisfaction,
power and self-confidence as you do each affirmation. “Act
as if.” Positive self-dialogue such as this, helps develops
a better relationship with yourself and in turn increases
self-confidence and well-being.
Another great way to use affirmations is to say them while
looking in a mirror. Say them with feeling and soon you’ll
become aware of how powerful your eyes are. It's said that
the eyes are the windows of the soul. Ralph Waldo Emerson
wrote that each of us carries in our eyes the exact
indication of our rank. We send messages with our eyes that
show how we think of ourselves and how self-confident we
are. And that influences how others respond to us. The more
our eyes bespeak self-confidence and self-esteem, the more
other people are likely to hold us in high esteem.
There are many other powerful techniques that you can use to
improve your self-confidence and build your self-esteem. But
this will get you started in the right direction.
The most important thing to remember is that repetition and
positive emotions are critical to changing the way you
think. While it’s possible to do this on your own, most
people need a defined program for the direction and support
they need to commit to a change.
We live in a world where sex is used to sell products. Hence
the famous phrase, "SEX SELLS". Attractive women are used to
sell products, clothes, cars, music etc. Few of us actually
have what we have come to see as that perfect female body
that entices viewers to buy products or is used to boost
television ratings. As a result, too many women develop
negative thoughts. Our only defense lies inside of us. We
have the power to restore our own self-esteem with positive
thoughts. This is the way to strengthen our minds and enable
positive personal change. There is always a choice either to
entertain a thought or to dismiss and replace it. We can
choose to be in the moment and replace negative input with
positive thoughts/ affirmations. We are given the power to
choose. What is your choice going to be?
It is important to accept our individuality and celebrate it
rather than conform to what we think others want. We all
have our challenges here in Earth school. So why are we so
hung up? Unfortunately, we are programmed to compare
ourselves to others. One never knows another’s pain by
looking at the outer shell. It is important to make the most
of who we are, to value ourselves. We should encourage this
in ourselves, in others, and especially in our children.
Self-comparison is one of the most common felt, not to
mention dangerous, emotions. When you worry and question
yourself as to whether or not you measure up, you
immediately set up self-destructing roadblocks to a positive
self-esteem and unhappiness.
If you try to value yourself through the eyes of others or
through a comparison of others, you will be doing nothing
but denying your own uniqueness. To know your uniqueness and
self-worth is to know yourself, without hearing or seeing
any other source of comparison. To allow any other influence
to sway your thoughts of who you are is totally a suicide. A
suicide of your self-worth and uniqueness.
I recently heard this great saying; “We either make
ourselves happy or miserable, the amount of work is the
same.” It’s work. Either way. We are here, so why don’t we
make the best of it? Fear of change? We get so comfortable
with our ‘familiar’ so even if the grass is greener, we
stick to the familiar, and that may be negative programming
that keeps us down. It’s work to change, but it’s worth the
effort. Sometimes it’s a matter of saying to yourself, ‘stop
thinking!’ Because self-sabotage is such an easy trick for
the mind to play, and it wants to keep busy thinking itself
in circles. Don’t believe everything you think! Because the
mind fears change, even if it’s for the better!
You want to be proud to be YOU! Then JUST DO IT! Do what is
that YOU need to do. Maybe it’s cleaning up your past hurts
and negative programming by doing therapy with someone you
like and feel comfortable with who is helpful. Maybe it’s by
reading up on it. Stop sabotaging yourself. Stop thinking
and start acting. Let’s recognize the nature of the mind,
and not give into it. Use your energy to go to a positive
area rather that negative drama. Control your mind, become
the observer of your thoughts so that you can control your
mind, not the other way around.
Have you ever heard that the more you tell yourself
something, the more you will surely begin to believe it?
Well, this is why I speak so highly of retraining your
thought patterns. Whether it is positive or negative
thoughts, eventually your mind will be re-trained. The key
is to stay away from the negative and/or replace them with
positive thoughts. The longer that you dwell on any negative
thought, the more likely it will seem very true, perception
is your reality.
Your own vision of who you are is the most important step to
building a positive self-esteem. Your self-esteem is a main
driving factor in how you deal with life's challenges and
also how you relate to others.
No one will ever be able to feel what another person feels
inside. No one will ever be able to love another as they can
love themselves. No one can read our minds. No one can do
for us, what needs to be done to make us feel inner peace.
It is our responsibility to ourselves to love us first. You
really must know who you are to start. To be able to fulfill
your needs and desires and goals in life, you need to
identify with your wants. You cannot do any of this if you
do not focus on you. You need to be all about you for a
time. No one can do this for you, so just do it!
I tell clients who suffer from low self worth to Love and
treat themselves as they would want someone else to love and
treat them. Or better yet, treat yourself as if you were
taking care of someone so precious. Because you are. You.
Lori-Ann Wesley Kim is a (holistic based) certified
psychotherapist, with an eclectic individual approach.
Counselling is available for a variety of areas including
family of origin, recovery, boundaries, depression, abuse,
addiction, relationships, transitions, illness, grief,
anxiety, dreams, higher purpose and some evolution. Methods
of therapy include talk therapy, voice dialogue, body
centered psychotherapy, psychodrama, chakra balancing,
meditation and many other healing techniques.
Tel: 416-208-3178
www.HolistiCounselling.com
loriann@holisticounselling.com
416 208 3178
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