Therapy Toronto Free Directory
by Sandra Miller, West Toronto counsellor
Healthy communication is an essential base to a healthy relationship.
The basic components of healthy communication are being able to:
a) express your wants and needs assertively (rather than aggressively, passively or passive-aggressively),
b) listen to the wants and needs of others supportively (rather than
defensively, with blame or argument), and
c) resolve conflict through negotiation and compromise (rather than through manipulation, control or withdrawal).
Expressing yourself assertively involves knowing what you feel, think, want and don’t want. Self-awareness is key. Notice your experience of yourself before, during and after your interactions. Take
some time for self-reflection.
Also key to assertiveness is self-esteem - a balanced sense of one’s rights. If you dismiss or minimize your experience and wants (“I don’t count but you do”), you are more likely to act passively. If you dismiss or minimize the other person’s experience (“I count but you don’t”), you are more likely to act aggressively. Assertiveness reflects a sense that both your needs and the other person’s needs are important (“I count and so do you”).
Assertiveness also means taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions. The language used in expressing oneself can be revealing. Focusing on the other person, beginning sentences with “you”, can indicate an attempt to shift responsibility. Using simple and
clear “I” messages can indicate taking ownership.
If you have a pattern of being passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive, becoming more assertive will take practice. In learning any new skill, there may be times when you will feel awkward. Supports are available to help you learn and to work through the stages of awkwardness.
Counselling, or workshops on assertiveness, can provide a forum to explore your communication style and develop healthier patterns of relating. As well, some of my clients enjoy reading. I recommend “The Assertiveness Workbook” by Randy J. Paterson.
Sandra Miller is a registered social worker and counselling psychotherapist working with individuals and couples in West Toronto. To book an appointment, go to Sandra Miller, Toronto counsellor, contact Sandra at 416-399-7421, or email sandra-miller@wholenessandgrowth.ca.